The old porch door clacked behind me as I headed out for a walk that radiant Fall morning. A bride of five weeks, I was staying with my bridegroom, Ed, and his parents, on their farm in the rolling hills of northeast Kansas. Soon Ed and I would head to the missions assignment where he had worked 12 years single. It would be my first time in the Philippines.

To my surprise, the family’s blue heeler, appropriately named “Blue,” bounded up and fell in step beside me. I had never had a dog while growing up in suburban Maryland, but I came to enjoy Blue’s company as we made our way down the pasture lane. I caught the whiff of the hog barn and cattle lot as we passed the silo, and marveled at the neat rows of corn stretching skywards on either side of the lane.

Blue’s white and blue-gray coat shone in the morning light as he and I crossed the pasture, crunching red-brown leaves underfoot. Stepping into the woods, we might have heard echoes of boyhood shouts where Ed had once built forts for war games with his two younger brothers.

Blue never left my side. It was fun having another living creature with me as I discovered more about this land Ed’s great-great-grandparents had settled in the mid-1800s.

Blue never questioned that he should be with me or that I would enjoy his companionship. He just came. I was the only family member out walking, so of course he should come along to protect and guide me and keep me company, he no doubt was thinking.

This was a good example for me, an introvert with an unreasonable habit of wondering whether I was welcome in most any setting. What a gift it was to find a soulmate who wanted me around so much he married me!

That fall walk with Blue is a sweet memory of the first dog who became my friend. In the best of ways, I believe — 39 years later — that I need to be more like Blue, especially when it comes to my relationship with Ed. Not to be more confident, but to be more of a friend.

Questions to answer

For example, in our household, Ed does the majority of our grocery shopping, but even when I do go along, I’m not much of a companion. I think “divide and conquer” — splitting the list between us — to get in and out of the store more quickly. Yet Ed is always happy that I’m with him for a change. There’s a relaxing quality to a grocery run done together.

At home I go off on my own to do chores, read or garden, yet Ed thanks me when I watch some TV with him. I love being with him (unless it’s watching too much football!), but I often let my to-do list drag me in the opposite direction from Ed.

There’s a balance, I know, but I wonder, could I be more like Blue? Showing up, knowing my husband loves to have me there as he enjoys a game or show? Could I, as a matter of course, go to the gym with him, as he weekly requests? Could I be ready at a moment’s notice to work with him on his chores when he asks?

Since I am a follower of Jesus, I seek to measure my life against the high standards of the Word of God, the Bible. So it’s important to know that, in the New Testament, the apostle Paul teaches about a particular kind of love wives are to have for their husbands.

“Older women …  are to be reverent in their behavior … teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands … so that the Word would not be dishonored” (Titus 2:3-5, emphasis mine).

This love is different from the agape love husbands are commanded to have for their wives (Ephesians 5:25-33). “Agape speaks of the most powerful, noblest type of love: sacrificial love. Agape love is more than a feeling — it is an act of the will.”¹ Agape love is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) and should actually characterize all of us who believe in Jesus (1 Corinthians 13).

But the Greek term describing the love wives are to have for their husbands is philandros, a compound word used only here in the New Testament. The Topical Lexicon explains philandros:

“Formed from the ideas of warm affection (philos) and husband (anēr), the term designates the heartfelt devotion of a wife to her spouse. It is not a sterile duty but a relational loyalty that blends friendship, respect, and covenant commitment” (emphasis mine).² The primary meaning of philos is “friend.”³

Philandros is related to phileo love, “to be a friend to.”⁴ “Best friends will display this generous and affectionate love for each other as each seeks to make the other happy.”⁵

We may be fully committed to our covenant relationship with our husband, but by these standards, our friendship and respect for him may still have room to grow. I know from experience that younger wives with small children may need a reminder in the circus that they need to love their husbands affectionately. Maybe we older wives need the reminder to be a warm and generous “husband-friend,” too.

One year later, my answers

I wrote the questions above about my relationship with Ed about a year ago. I didn’t feel ready to finish writing until I knew the answers. I needed to see if I could (or would) be more present with Ed in these practical ways.

So, yes, I’ve been showing up more for games and shows with Ed. I’m even learning more about sports and players — not too bad for a person who cares more about words and nature. He appreciates my interest in something he is excited about.

And yes, I’m now a regular at the gym (okay, I go once to his three times, when I have a morning off, but I’m going)! As a non-athlete, I wouldn’t go on my own, so this has been a surprise and encouragement for my athletic husband. He also likes to have me with him at the gym when women come in dressed more revealingly than is wise. I’m thankful for his attitude!

When it comes to suddenly helping Ed with his chores when he asks — still working on that!

Lady friend, maybe you’re like me and could stand to be more like that faithful blue heeler, Blue. May we delight our husbands — or, if you’re single, those dearest to you — with the strong, comforting presence of a true friend, even in the “small” things.

The small things matter — to our husbands, to God, and even to those observing our relationships and deciding for themselves if following Christ is what they want.

Yes, being present with my husband is one of the most important uses of my time. It’s a way of giving him my heart — the joyful task God has given me!

May I grow as Ed’s best friend while I can, for the years are quickly going — like the beautiful leaves of Fall.

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If you haven’t discovered life in Christ, don’t hesitate to check it out. Life is too short to miss His love and perfect plan for you. Read About “The Nearness of God” or see everyperson.com for more information. You can read my story of coming to faith in Christ in: How My Song Began.